Fading into Nothingness (September 5, 2006)

(Following blog inspired by my former place of employment and the peoople there)
It has already been said, I know. I cant stay here any longer because it is squelching my Passion, Feelings and Emotions. I have to suppress them daily to be able to deal with the drag. The daily load of proverbial Crap I have to witness and deal with in the world we live in is enough, not at work too. The only way to maintain sanity is by turning off that particular part of my Soul and then to turn it back on at will at a later time. Its wearing on me. If I am not careful it will slowly fade away. My Passion, my Heart. All of my life I have been afraid of Feeling. I was surrounded by this rock solid impenetrable shell. The shell grew into a wall that that was especially designed to keep feelings from getting out. On occasion it also kept feelings from getting in. I became really good at faking everything. Faking happiness, faking sadness, faking confidence, faking trust. The only emotion I did not have to fake was anger. I felt a lot of it. Often.Over the last seven or eight years I have worked so hard; taking baby steps all of the way, but making slow steady progress in breaking that wall down. It was so unbearable at times; it literally felt like every time I struck the wall, a vice would tighten around my chest so that I could hardly breathe. I knew I had to keep chipping, stretching beyond that wall. There had to eventually be a reward. If I kept living the way I was, it would be like death inside me. Death would eventually take over my heart. Not ready for that. I knew I was not ready for that.I dont know how I eventually managed. It was God I suppose. The wall was still there, but it had a door, and eventually some windows. I even allowed them to be opened sometimes. So uncomfortable initially, but every time I allowed it to happen, found that the vice would loosen, and breathing would become easier. And it enriched my life. I started to feel. Like I was making up for lost time. The love I felt was so strong, so deep and consuming. Almost painful. What a privilege to be able to love like that, to care for others. Letting it show. The response I received, it was so foreign to me. It was still hard to feel those feelings.Now I look back and cant imagine all of those years I could not bear to allow anyone close. I look back and it was such a waste. I was always so envious of people around me who seemed to freely show emotion. I just couldnt, at the time.There is so much more work to be done. Allowing people to get close, to the point where I become vulnerable is still difficult. I suppose it is an innate protection mechanism, even stronger than the innate need for love in our life. I am still working on that balance. All of the pain I went through. I dont want it to have been in vain. I dont want my Passion, Love, to Fade into Nothingness.