Glimpse of Hell (October 20, 2006)

Imagine this..... a message, that has been very close to my heart for the past 10 years. Christians and non-Christians alike, frequently ask the question; "Why is this happening to me?" "Why do I have to go through this?" "Why are things so difficult for me?" In all honesty, whether you are a Christian, Buddist, Atheist or undecided, life is hard, torturous and painful sometimes. No one ever said it was going to be easy if you just follow a certain path, or live by a certain formula, or stick to some positive mantra. I have thought many many times: "THIS SUCKS!!" (Add a few random expletives.)The thing is, you can't change the past. You can sit and complain about it, or just give up, but that is still not going to change anything. I know this sounds like just another one of these Dr. Phil type motivational speakers, who come from a perfect family, and are giving you their textbook knowledge and psychological speak. The thing is in fact, I lived it. I was close to death. Many times over. I did not realize it at the time, but a little over 10 years ago, the trauma I had lived in my very young years, was about to take it's toll. I never even knew it was there lurking on the inside. It was a time bomb waiting to go off. Ticking, waiting for the "right" time. After my regular safe teenage life at home in Holland came to an end, I had been slowly broken down by a course of events when I first moved to the United States. A very shy teenager, in a strange country, surrounded by new family members who were more like strangers, speaking a language that did not feel like my own, no transportation, and no support. Isolated. It was that first year that I was slowly stripped of my "safety net" that had kept me functioning normally and properly. As expected. Slowly but surely without the safety of my daily routines, familiar surroundings and people, the internal time bomb was growing, gaining strength. I went through the motions of life. Pushed myself to participate, pretend I was normal. The outside shell looked great. Smiling, Energetic, Pretty. The inside was dead, black, rotten.Fast forward a few years, I was married, had a college degree, professional job, and I crashed. No one particular reason, just a bad marriage, bad health, disfunctional relationships and years of ignoring the timebomb inside. It went off. Violently.Every day was a struggle, an internal fight. Live? Die? I often chose death, and sat with pills in hand, sometimes a blade, even a car at the top of a mountain once or twice. Most times it was a moment of strength, or fear I am not sure which one, that kept me alive. A few times it was an actual miracle that kept me from making my final choice. An unexplained flash of light, a phone call with no one at the other end....Fast forward again a few years.... I got help. It came in the form of a few things. Drugs (yes yes, the legal kind), a divorce (yet another controversial subject) and God. The clarity and strenght I have gained from the HELL I went through is undescribable. I cannot accurately put into words the emotion and passion I feel about this subject. It truly was absolute hell, I went through, yet it was that hell that made me who I am today. Even after so many years it is a choice I have to make sometimes to see it as positive. Not always easy. But when people come to me for councel, or encouragement, I can truly say....it's going to be ok, choose to learn from it. I will help you. I will share my experience, I will share with you what worked for me. I will be your backbone, I will be your cheerleader through it. My suffering has saved someone who was in the darkest pit about to take her life. The HELL I went through, saved her life. Even if the suffering was for that reason alone, who am I to say "that's not worth it?" My glimpse of Hell changed my life.

Fading into Nothingness (September 5, 2006)

(Following blog inspired by my former place of employment and the peoople there)
It has already been said, I know. I cant stay here any longer because it is squelching my Passion, Feelings and Emotions. I have to suppress them daily to be able to deal with the drag. The daily load of proverbial Crap I have to witness and deal with in the world we live in is enough, not at work too. The only way to maintain sanity is by turning off that particular part of my Soul and then to turn it back on at will at a later time. Its wearing on me. If I am not careful it will slowly fade away. My Passion, my Heart. All of my life I have been afraid of Feeling. I was surrounded by this rock solid impenetrable shell. The shell grew into a wall that that was especially designed to keep feelings from getting out. On occasion it also kept feelings from getting in. I became really good at faking everything. Faking happiness, faking sadness, faking confidence, faking trust. The only emotion I did not have to fake was anger. I felt a lot of it. Often.Over the last seven or eight years I have worked so hard; taking baby steps all of the way, but making slow steady progress in breaking that wall down. It was so unbearable at times; it literally felt like every time I struck the wall, a vice would tighten around my chest so that I could hardly breathe. I knew I had to keep chipping, stretching beyond that wall. There had to eventually be a reward. If I kept living the way I was, it would be like death inside me. Death would eventually take over my heart. Not ready for that. I knew I was not ready for that.I dont know how I eventually managed. It was God I suppose. The wall was still there, but it had a door, and eventually some windows. I even allowed them to be opened sometimes. So uncomfortable initially, but every time I allowed it to happen, found that the vice would loosen, and breathing would become easier. And it enriched my life. I started to feel. Like I was making up for lost time. The love I felt was so strong, so deep and consuming. Almost painful. What a privilege to be able to love like that, to care for others. Letting it show. The response I received, it was so foreign to me. It was still hard to feel those feelings.Now I look back and cant imagine all of those years I could not bear to allow anyone close. I look back and it was such a waste. I was always so envious of people around me who seemed to freely show emotion. I just couldnt, at the time.There is so much more work to be done. Allowing people to get close, to the point where I become vulnerable is still difficult. I suppose it is an innate protection mechanism, even stronger than the innate need for love in our life. I am still working on that balance. All of the pain I went through. I dont want it to have been in vain. I dont want my Passion, Love, to Fade into Nothingness.